Healthy Thinking Thursday on Wednesday again- I have to write it now and push publish before I chicken out. This is an insanely difficult post to write. I feel stupid, I feel frustrated, I feel like a crazy woman, I feel confused. Yesterday was my appointment with the endo- you know the one I had my hopes pinned on and would be all the anwsers to my difficulties this year? Well, the endo asked me what brought me there and I went through the entire story you all already know....aching joints, exhaustion, depression, slight weight gain, inability to exercise, enlarged goiter-my doctor told me I had Hashimoto's disease. Basically the endo told me I do NOT have Hashimoto's disease. In black and white on my records (which no one has let me see until now- even after asking repeatedly) it says I have the predisposition to get Hashimoto's disease because of the higher numbers of my antibodies (I think that is what that number was-so much info in one day!). I don't have the disease right now, I just have the possibility of it showing itself at any time in my future. I also have the possibility of it never showing up at all. I am super relieved by this- don't get me wrong- I don't wish sickness on anyone and I'm glad this disease is not my life journey at this time. However- I KNOW that I am not making this all up. I KNOW that my body aches so badly and that if I try to exercise it feels like a truck hit me- not the normal "good" pain you get after exercising, but a horrible aching that takes me days to get over. I KNOW that I ache even when I haven't exercised. Now....can I see that perhaps this pain caused me to slowly gain weight, which made me depressed because I couldn't control my weight, which in turn has made me exhausted and feel like I can't face the world? Yes...I'm a big girl, I can admit that perhaps my exhaustion was caused myself by falling into a depression about not being able to keep healthy. However, I am only 41 years old, and the endo agreed with me that I should not have pain in my body that wakes me up repeatedly at night and keeps me from simple exercise. Actually- could not being able to sleep a full night be causing my exhaustion? Maybe. Long story short, I am back to the drawing board. I am so mad right now, even though I am trying to keep a christian attitude and remember that mistakes can be made. It's just that 2 different doctors told me I DID have this disease and that I would be put on medication. If I had not seen this specialist would I be swallowing down pills I did not even need from the other doctors?? How do you read the words "predisposition to Hashimoto's" and tell your patient it is something they have?? I spent an entire month trying to figure out what path to take to get rid of my pain from a disease I don't even have and now I go back to the doctor next week to start all over again. Next Tuesday I go get more bloodwork drawn to see what else they think might be making my joints ache. Do I trust them this next time??? Part of me wants to lay down and cry and give up- but the other part of me knows that I could swing back into a deep depression and that I need to fight. I don't want to be a couch potatoe at 41 years old and just sitting on my butt and aching and hurting. I want to live to be 90-that's 49 years of just living with pain??? I can't do it. So.........I'm looking again. I'm fighting. I refuse to give up until I can get on that treadmill and walk fast again- until I can get in my garden and pull weeds without feeling like a truck hit me. I'm not taking this. I really didn't want to write this. I figure I'm coming off as a crazy person-but my sweet friend Laura helped me realize that what I'm writing is the truth, what I'm writing is what is going on in my world and it's important to me. If I look crazy, so be it- I've got to stop worrying about it and just concentrate on getting my answers. I've also decided that I'm not going to let this depress me anymore. I will get my answers sooner or later and I will feel better because I refuse to accept anything less. I would like to say a big thank you to everyone that has helped me so far. I had some really good advice from another blogger about eating- and I think I'm still going to follow her advice and cut back on wheat in my diet. I think that increasing my fruits, veggies and proteins is healthier for me- and maybe it would even jump start a little weight loss. I'm going to try to be less obsessive and more pro active about my health. I'm going to follow the advice I've been given so far because I can't see where it would hurt anything- everything anyone has told me just leads to a healthier lifestyle. I want to say again THANK YOU to everyone who reads and supports and helps me to keep on going to get my solution. I'm going to try my hardest to get back to a normal state of mind and a normal state of posting. I have so many projects and ideas in my head....maybe if I immerse myself in them for awhile and just go with the flow with the doctors I will at least not be depressed- because when I'm creating I am happy.
♥ Hi, my name is Kim. I live in northern Minnesota with my wonderful hubby and my pomeranian Miko. I love dollhouse miniatures, art journaling, sewing, jewelry making, gardening----I really love to make things and I jump around from project to project a lot! ♥ email@example.com