Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Healthy Thinking Thursday on Wednesday again

Healthy Thinking Thursday on Wednesday again- I have to write it now and push publish before I chicken out.  This is an insanely difficult post to write.  I feel stupid, I feel frustrated, I feel like a crazy woman, I feel confused.  Yesterday was my appointment with the endo- you know the one I had my hopes pinned on and would be all the anwsers to my difficulties this year?  Well, the endo asked me what brought me there and I went through the entire story you all already know....aching joints, exhaustion, depression, slight weight gain, inability to exercise, enlarged goiter-my doctor told me I had Hashimoto's disease.  Basically the endo told me I do NOT have Hashimoto's disease.  In black and white on my records (which no one has let me see until now- even after asking repeatedly) it says I have the predisposition to get Hashimoto's disease because of the higher numbers of my antibodies (I think that is what that number was-so much info in one day!).  I don't have the disease right now, I just have the possibility of it showing itself at any time in my future.  I also have the possibility of it never showing up at all.  I am super relieved by this- don't get me wrong- I don't wish sickness on anyone and I'm glad this disease is not my life journey at this time.  However- I KNOW that I am not making this all up.  I KNOW that my body aches so badly and that if I try to exercise it feels like a truck hit me- not the normal "good" pain you get after exercising, but a horrible aching that takes me days to get over. I KNOW that I ache even when I haven't exercised.   Now....can I see that perhaps this pain caused me to slowly gain weight, which made me depressed because I couldn't control my weight, which in turn has made me exhausted and feel like I can't face the world?  Yes...I'm a big girl, I can admit that perhaps my exhaustion was caused myself by falling into a depression about not being able to keep healthy.  However, I am only 41 years old, and the endo agreed with me that I should not have pain in my body that wakes me up repeatedly at night and keeps me from simple exercise. Actually- could not being able to sleep a full night be causing my exhaustion?  Maybe.  Long story short, I am back to the drawing board.  I am so mad right now, even though I am trying to keep a christian attitude and remember that mistakes can be made.  It's just that 2 different doctors told me I DID have this disease and that I would be put on medication.  If I had not seen this specialist would I be swallowing down pills I did not even need from the other doctors??  How do you read the words "predisposition to Hashimoto's" and tell your patient it is something they have??  I spent an entire month trying to figure out what path to take to get rid of my pain from a disease I don't even have and now I go back to the doctor next week to start all over again. Next Tuesday I go get more bloodwork drawn to see what else they think might be making my joints ache.  Do I trust them this next time???  Part of me wants to lay down and cry and give up- but the other part of me knows that I could swing back into a deep depression and that I need to fight.  I don't want to be a couch potatoe at 41 years old and just sitting on my butt and aching and hurting.  I want to live to be 90-that's 49 years of just living with pain???  I can't do it.  So.........I'm looking again.  I'm fighting.  I refuse to give up until I can get on that treadmill and walk fast again- until I can get in my garden and pull weeds without feeling like a truck hit me.  I'm not taking this.  I really didn't want to write this.  I figure I'm coming off as a crazy person-but my sweet friend Laura helped me realize that what I'm writing is the truth, what I'm writing is what is going on in my world and it's important to me.  If I look crazy, so be it- I've got to stop worrying about it and just concentrate on getting my answers.  I've also decided that I'm not going to let this depress me anymore.  I will get my answers sooner or later and I will feel better because I refuse to accept anything less.  I would like to say a big thank you to everyone that has helped me so far.  I had some really good advice from another blogger about eating- and I think I'm still going to follow her advice and cut back on wheat in my diet.  I think that increasing my fruits, veggies and proteins is healthier for me- and maybe it would even jump start a little weight loss.  I'm going to try to be less obsessive and more pro active about my health.  I'm going to follow the advice I've been given so far because I can't see where it would hurt anything- everything anyone has told me just leads to a healthier lifestyle.  I want to say again THANK YOU to everyone who reads and supports and helps me to keep on going to get my solution.  I'm going to try my hardest to get back to a normal state of mind and a normal state of posting.  I have so many projects and ideas in my head....maybe if I immerse myself in them for awhile and just go with the flow with the doctors I will at least not be depressed- because when I'm creating I am happy.


sunshine said...

I know that you will get through this Kim
The doctors will figure out what's going on. I'm still not convinced that it's not something to do with your thyroid. All of those symptoms are there!
But you're right... perhaps trying the diet that the other blogger suggested will help for now. A lot of times, we have allergies and such that we don't even realize!!!

You know that I'm in your corner. You are NOT crazy. A lot of people go through similar circumstances as the one you are facing right now.


Ascension said...

Me alegro de ver que ya tienes mas animos despues de ver al ultimo medico.
Te comprendo, tienes que contarlo.
Debe ser horrible pensar que tienes una enfermedad y luego(por arte de magia), resulta que tienes las mismas probabilidades que yo de contraerla y que en realidad no la tienes.
Y todas las medecinas que te has tomado y no han servido para nada?
No hay derecho!!!!
Pero eres una mujer fuerte y ademas ahora se te ve mas alegre y dispuesta a no dejar que la depresion haga mella en ti.
Me alegro muchisimo de que hayss decidido tomar las riendas de tu vida.
Seguro que encontraras la solucion para esos dolores que no te dejan vivir tranquila.
Besitos preciosa, estoy contigo!!!

kibbygirl said...

You don't sound crazy at all!! Something is going on with your body and it is just a matter of getting to the bottom of what that is. Keep pushing through and and you'll get there. Easier said then done, believe me I know but I am rooting for you!

Claudia said...

I'm so sorry for all the misinformation you've had to deal with. And I totally understand why you're so frustrated! You have a right to know what's going on. I hope you can finally get to the bottom of this, my friend.

Julia @ bearcabinminiatures said...

That is awful and I can imagine how you are feeling, but well done for writing it all down, that is your first step in getting well again. The docs will eventually find out what is wrong and in the mean time, your healthy eating will help to make you stronger. Yes, sleep defiency can make you very achey, as can an iron defiency. I used to get terrable achy and restless legs before they sorted out my anaemia. You know you have my support, take care and keep up with these posts, we will all support you.
Sending you get well vibes and hugs,
Julia xx

De said...

Oh, Kim, hang in there. It does still sound like a thyroid issue to me, too. I'm not a doctor but I do have thyroid problems so I recognize the symptoms. You aren't crazy and unfortunately, it isn't uncommon to have this type of situation with doctors. Praying for you right now.

Katie said...

AMEN! I would of never of found miniatures if I hadn't of gotten sick, and believe me, It makes me feel 10 better when I can create something!

Now.... as for them doctors.... Don't ever let any of them tell you you can't have or see your records...It's against the law for them not to let you see them... They try and pull that with me, but I don't play... If they act like they want to make things complicated, then so do I. Your records are your right.

And I hope you can find some anwsers soon.....Some times it stessful not knowing, huh?! Just hang in there...Write your symptoms down, and take it with you so you can show the doctor what is happening, and if he doesn't listen, find a doctor that will! I went through 4 family care doctors before I finally found one that would work with me... Hang in there....And remember, We here for you:)


Dani said...

Hi sweet Kim, what a story , can understand how you feel, nobody can feel it how you feel only yourself , am proud on you that you don't let it get you down, listen to your body Kim , others can see all about it but you feel it what you think is right , maybe you must take some more time for yourself sweety ....maybe a day less work make you feel already work long days don't forget that !...will be there for you when you need good and bad time never forget that !!!...sending you lots of love and hugs till soon Xxxx ....look at my can follow a free course of the one i did...;) Xxx

Marit said...

Hi Kim,
I haven't followed your whole story, but from what I read, I wonder if you might have a lack of vitamin B12.
In the summer of 2009 I went to my doctor as I was so, so tired. Had been tired for long, but always had excuses till then, and it only got worse. Besides that I was cold, couldn't concentrate and felt slightly depressed. My hip was aching at night, no matter what side I slept on. Exercise made me only more exhausted. Sounds familiar?
I have had so many researches, but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong. I suspected my thyriod gland and B12-level because of the symptoms, but the doctors said both were good. Fact is that doctors say levels from 130-700 of B12 in the blood are fine, while new insights say that it's not that black and white. Levels from 130 till 350 can be right for some people, while this is too low for others.
We get B12 from meat and dairy products. It's very rare to not get enough, but B12 needs to be bound by a substance in our stomach. If one doesn't make (enough of) this substance, or breaks it down, one can get in trouble. The liver has a storage for 3 years, so symptoms appear slowly and not obvious. There are researches which suggest that taking the pill for many years can cause problems with B12, but also stomach-medicines are known for it.
My first level was 200, so my doctor didn't believe that this was the problem. I insisted on a second measurement half a year later, and that was 140. The decrease is an obvious sign. Now I get injections. It goes very, very slowly, but WOW, what a difference!
Of course I don't know if this causes your problems, but it sure is worth the trouble to find out. Not enough B12 for a longer period can cause damage to the nerve-system beyond repair.

Take care!

Papillon Bleu said...

Kim, reading this makes me so frustrated for you! AaaAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!silly doctors!!! isn't it the 21st century? I am so glad you can write about all this though! Go Kim!!!! Go!!!!You are STRONG and you have all my admiration for this!!!!
Have you ever had so many X on Blog LAnd? hmm?

Briarwood Miniatures said...

Ah, Kim, I feel so frustrated on your behalf!

I know this is hard. I've had so many trials and tribulations with doctors with my parent's illnesses and it can make you tear your hair out. Just know that you, and you alone, are the expert on your body and what it is telling you.

Keep searching for a doctor that is sympathetic (there are some out there - you just have to find them!) and keep talking till you find someone who will listen. In the meantime, yes, take as good care of yourself as you can, treat yourself gently, and keep your spirits up.

There are a lot of us out here sending love and healing thoughts and prayers your way. Big hugs,


cockerina said...

Hello Kim! how are you? I hope very well!
I went to say hello!
I came also to say that in my blog I am organizing an international swap!
is the theme of your choice, you would like to participate? Come and read my post!
a hug from Italy

Eileen Bergen said...

Sooo frustrating and so disappointing - to think you had an answer that would allow you to deal with whatever is - because what is, is - and we then just have to deal with it.

My mother always said that "not knowing" was the hardest part. She was very wise.

You're in my prayers during this horrible time of uncertainty. I'm praying as well for a definitive answer that can allow you to get on with your life.

You have wonderful talent and such a kind spirit. I do so appreciate your comments for others in need (like young aspiring artist Tara).

cockerina said...

oh! Kim dear! Forgive me, my previous message was not one to give little value to your depression, but if you do minis can help you live more peaceful, and not think about sad things, maybe this can help!
Now, seriously, maybe the first thing to do is diet: eat very little wheat, and increasing fruits and vegetables! with vitamins and minerals than in your body, and much less fat, you really can find little benefit at a time .. and one day you can even get on the treadmill, and slowly, before walking slowly, then increase speed and one day .. run! I hope you feel proud of yourself and dignity for your soul and your body. just so you can save yourself!
I'll hug and I hope that minis will continue to do as soon as possible to distract your mind from bad thoughts and painful!
a big kiss from Italy to your home!
do not let go of you with depression, please! I love you!
will I still find you to know whether you're better, best wishes! courage!

Thimbleprims Studio said...

Your situation is breaking my heart. I am sending you every bit of support, encouragement, love, understanding and compassion that is in me.
I understand at least some of what you are going through. NO, you are NOT crazy, but what you are going through is certainly enough to make ANYONE feel that way.
NO, you are NOT imagining the symptoms you have. There is definitely something physically wrong. The doctors apparently haven't figured out just what it is yet. Hopefully they will figure it out soon so that you can fully marshall your internal forces to fight whatever it is.
And, I've got to say, too, that it will be interesting to see how your two doctors are going to explain why the specialist you were sent to isn't backing up their diagnosis.
Is there any way you can go to a second specialist and see what that one says?
There are other kinda rare autoimmune type illnesses that can cause symptoms like yours: Lupus is one. Sarcoidosis is another. Have your docs ruled these out? Sarcoid can be really tricky to diagnose. Sarcoid can get into almost any organ system, including the nervous system.
There are other illnesses besides these two that can cause symptoms like yours.
Also, I don't like to ask but are you being treated for the depression?
Please, keep fighting and keep fighting to get the docs to find out what is going on. It is NOT in your head. Your physical symptoms came first, then the exhaustion and depression.
Email me anytime at
Love, hugs, and support from,

Jill said...

How frustrating for you... I hope that the doctors get some answers for you soon. Hang in there and stay strong. We're all cheering for you!

Sans! said...

Dearest Kim, I am applauding you for sharing this with us. On so many levels, what you did is a damn GOOD thing :). So many of us are concerned about you and I, for one have been waiting to see the diagnosis after you meet this specialist. So they say it's a pre-disposition and not anything else, huh? Well, that's one down then. Perhaps that;s why the doctors refer you to a specialist because they could not be sure. Don't be too mad , I know it's hard but being mad adds to the stress and depression.

I have read all the suggestions in the comments and have gained so much knowledge so form reading them.

My dad had stage 3 colon cancer when he was 50. No chemo. He is now 67, no relapse and he attributed his road to recovery to having a positive attitude and a unshakeable belief that he would beat this.

I am proud of you that you are showing the same attitude :).

Rant here when you must. If I can't exercise anymore, I too will need to rant and rave. After that, we can go back to creating and being happy. That candy house is perfect therapy :).

Fiver said...

First of all Kim, NO, you DO NOT sound crazy at all! I can imagine how frustrating and depressing it must be when doctors can't tell you what's wrong, but it sounds like you had a couple of incompetent ones. Don't give up hope, I'm sure they'll figure it out. And yes, in the meantime keep eating healthy whole foods, you definitely can't go wrong there. And keep being creative which makes you happy.
Lots of Mini Hugs to you Kim!!!!

Kim said...

I am so grateful for every single one of you and for others that read and don't comment. I'm back to the doctor again next week for lab work and then we'll see from there- but no matter what I am going to change my attitude back to as positive as I can be and I'm going to try to start creating again- because that will help my attitude. Thank you all!!! Marit- I'm so glad you commented because I am willing to suggest anything to the doctors for them to check- I did not know you could ache from lack of B-12! Thank you!!

Sketching Girl said...

Hi Kim, I am no expert on medical conditions, and certainly not a doctor. But your symptoms you mentioned remind me of someone suffering with Fibromyalgia. Here's some more info on Wikipedia about it:

It mentions depression, sleep disturbance, debilitating fatigue, sound familiar? I may be entirely wrong, as this is just a suggestion from a completely non-medical expert!

As for apologising for posts like these where you may ramble and think you're sounding crazy, don't worry about it. It's good to get things off your chest you're stressed and worried about! I always find typing my worries into a blog post makes me feel better, somehow sharing my troubles, personal thoughts and feelings with an invisible online audience anonymously, makes me feel so much better!

When thinking about exercise, doing housework, projects etc. Don't panic, do a little and rest - make sure you rest! There is no one more important than you, so take care of yourself! Do turn your attention to easy projects, things you can relax with and dabble with - you want to relax yourself and put yourself in a happy mood - I think that will help! The healthy diet can only help too! And if you're not already doing it, maybe try changing your milk to fully skimmed (no fat), and low fat spread instead of ordinary margarine or butter. I find that helps me lose weight without having to do any extra exercise!

Good Luck :)

berri said...

oh kim, i'm sorry to hear about your frustrations. it's really so hard to know that something is wrong and to not know what it is.
i wanted to say thanks for commenting on my post. i found a few on ebay and i found one at dark squirrel miniatures.
anyway, thanks again and keep your chin up:)


Karin F. said...

Oh Kim ....I feel so bad for you but am also full of admiration for your terrific attitude. What a fighter you are!
big hug

Zlatica said...

Sorry to hear this!
I understand your feelings. You have to be strong and believe that the help will come soon!
I´m with you, Kim.


amazing grace music said...

Kim make this frustration as your strength to over come all of this. Be Strong.

Cate and David said...

Oh Kim! Reading this SO reminds me of the five years of living with symptoms, testing and trying to determine if I had MS! I even had a Neuroligist tell me I did NOT have MS! Those were rough years. It took a new Dr. coming to town and agressively searching out an answer though a spinal tap combined with a full body MRI. The lesions weren't in my brain (or my head - ironically!)...they were in my spine. So both tests came back positive. Up til now, they had only scanned the brain - costs less. That diagnosis was the strangest combination of devestation and relief! I'm here for you Kim...any time you need some venting, encouragement or anything...(hug!)